Holiday Cheer

What Have I Been Up To?

• Trying to secure a job that fits. (failing miserably)
• Trying to tidy (3 kids, remember) and decorate the house. (failing miserably)
• Trying to maintain a smile so everyone can see the me they want to see. (failing?)
• Trying to put myself first on the list for a change. (or anywhere on the list, number 1,001 would be even acceptable)

What Do I Need To Do?

• Prepare, serve and hostess a dinner for family and friends.
• Be a wonderful wife, mother, and all the rest.
• Make it through another holiday season.

What do I Want To Do?

• Bask in the joy of observing anyone other than me, today, clean a toilet (or anything else) around here.
• Disappear for 24 hrs and see if anyone notices.
• Relax for any amount of time, do nothing for more than 30 seconds, not look at a calendar for a day, have no appointments for 24 hours...... in other words, BE SELFISH.

Life takes me along

I have been so very busy that I find I have been away from the blog for almost a complete month. I needed to stop in and type up some words.

Some days I feel like this....
A stick in a stream being pulled along and trying desperately to avoid the rapids and rocks.

I thought of this example in the car one day when I was being the usual family taxi service, a responsibility I seem to be sentenced to for now. Don't get me wrong, I want to transport my children to the places they need to be and also want them to do some fun things too. I just feel like I am always last on the list of priorities.

I am my (now adult) special needs daughter's transportation when she cannot utilize the county's para-transport system bus. I hope to someday find a reliable person to take my place in this, if not all the time at least some of the time. It is a real tie down to my schedule and life. Please don't think I do not absolutely love her. Any parent of a special needs child knows what I mean.
Transportation is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to responsibilities of managing her day to day life. It all takes dedication of a lot of time to run an organized life of a special needs child, no matter their age or stage of life.

Lots of my so called friends have proved to be "fair weather friends" and have decided they just can't understand what it is like to be in my shoes. I don't ask that. I just ask for them to listen, as I listen to their joys as well as challenges and sorrows with their own children and their own lives too.


Lots has been going on in my own life and in our house too.
I have gone on strike (again) with some household duties--I am only one person, after all-- but most of them seem to be un-noticed anyway.
We have had to do a major home improvement project- not by voluntary choice, I may add, and the timing is pretty bad.
I have been without my job since July 31st, since my boss suddenly died.
I have been without my uncle since he died. He was my boss.
I cared for him 5-7 days per week in his home for 5 years, also including being his driver and companion for all his transportation needs, and doing all his shopping runs by myself, alone.
I will tell you this: It is hard to have a relative as an employer too.
My only other uncle died just 5 weeks after my boss uncle.
I spent some treasured quality time with him in his last few weeks.
I miss them both so much more than I had ever expected.

Now that the frost is covering the neighborhood each morning, I realize that I did not even have time to use my clothesline this summer. Now it's time to stack the firewood closer to the house. The clothesline will be there next summer, waiting.

I find I am not such a fun person these days. I think of all the creative thoughts I had and things I did.
I will get back to all that some day soon.
Just not now.
Life is taking me for a ride down that stream, at a very fast clip.

clock as an enemy

Lately the clock has been my enemy. It ticks much too quickly each day. I need more tick tocks in an hour and in a day to do everything. Most people say that means things are simply over scheduled.

Simplify.

I like that word.

I have yet to master it.

People say to wait until you have grown kids. Then you have too much time and you wonder what you will do with all your time. Problem is, by the time my kids are all grown I will be too old to care. I thought having kids later instead of sooner was smart. It was smart for when I was younger. When I am older, not so much!

So here are some activities and thoughts that have been occupying my tick tocks of life.

1. We all survived a 12 week stretch of high school football season, which at our house means marching band season for my 14 year old daughter. Before that, we all lived to tell about 4 weeks of marching band camp. I have to say it went by super quick overall, and I actually had lots of fun. Wish I could have been at 2 places at once so I could have gotten all the other things done while also sitting in the bleachers being very proud and giving support. I somehow found the tick tock time to sew a fleece backed school colors patchwork quilt to use at the games. It will be an investment in the 3 more years of bleacher sitting that are in my future. I'll hint of frustration and let you stew about the stories of camera batteries that went dead at just the worst times or when the battery was charged all day long----- but left at home!! Maybe I can master the battery thing now that we are on to Symphonic Band for the rest of the year.

2. My oldest daughter E. (18) who has OCD and Asperger's at the high functioning end of the Autism spectrum is now a paid employee at 2 (yep, two!) places. It all happened in a short 3 week time period, after months and months of filling out piles of applications. I was so worried that she would not find a niche in the working world of people who actually get a paycheck (she has infinite volunteer hours under her belt). Let me be more specific--I knew she could but I was worried the world would not think so. Besides bursting with a universe size feeling of pride, I also now have added responsibility. *tick tock* Essentially it is like I am the one with 2 paying jobs (on top of my own paying job which can flex anywhere from 25-50 hours a week, and on call 24/7 assisting an elderly relative with Parkinson's and dementia). I am the transportation for my daughter. There's that need for cloning myself, again. Oh, and my wonderful reliable almost 15 year old car is still chugging along and has stopped counting how many trillions of times it has gone in and out of the driveway!

3. I am trying to pack away the Halloween decor and look forward to dragging out the Thanksgiving decor and on to Christmas. Here is how it goes at my house. The kids want it out. They dig and randomly succeed in making a mess of the decor by pulling favorites from the storage tubs. The rest just sits until mom takes over to do the rest. Thus, this is the year I am paring down and saving ONLY the favorites to be packed away for future seasons. The rest just takes up space -- and time! Here's a secret revealed=We have not had a Christmas tree in the house for about 4 years now. I was just on strike and didn't want to repeat the many years before when the kids wanted it ALL dragged out. They dug through stuff making a jumble of red, green and metallic but nothing really got accomplished as far as decorating the tree...and don't even get me started on the way everyone disappears when it comes time to take it all down and pack it away!! Soooo...I just didn't do a tree. It was guilt ridden tick tock time for a while but liberating too. The other day I announced casually that I want to have a Christmas tree. My daughter said, "Who are you and where is MY mother?" Stay tuned for the tick tock result of that promise on my part. Maybe my clone can do it for me. Oh, that's right, I don't have one. I need to sign up for a text alert to know when that is available....only I don't text. *Geeez*

4. I am threatening to pack away all the glass dishes, plates, bowls and cups and buy the cheapest paper products I can get my hands on. Maybe we'll get at least a month's worth supply of tick tock time saving on washing dishes. Sorry I won't be very "green" about saving trees and all, but it could be looked at it like this= I would be saving my septic tank/leach field from all the dish soap that is usually going into it in the "gray water" and I could put the used paper products on my compost pile to rot and be tilled into feeding my Victory Garden next summer. That's green. Now if I could just get my clone to do the weeding while I spend my tick tock time transporting a daughter who may, by then, be earning more than me because I am not at my job because I am using my tick tock time taking her or picking her up from her jobs in a, by then, full 15 years old car.

But...I may end up with even more pride in my pay employed daughter, some great photo memories of my musical daughter, less holiday storage tubs overall, free of dishes to be washed, a healthy organically grown garden, and maybe some extra tick tock minutes added to this old mother's days.

I hope my clone has a nice personality.

10 things....me, and the floor waxer...

1. I ran away from home recently one late night. You read it right. I did.

2. Sometimes I do this. Sometimes I need this.

3. Sometimes no one notices. Darn. I hate that part!

4. Where to go that late? What is still open? I ended up at one of those "big box" stores.

5. Not many places are open all night. It was me and the floor waxer. Well, and a lonely cashier and some semi-truckers out in the parking lot -asleep- waiting for morning, to make their deliveries.

6. I walked around for about 2 hours. Truth be told, the music is pretty good in the middle of the night and the noise of hundreds of shoppers is missing. There were lots of clearance racks filled with summer stuff and great deals, you know, since they have to make room for the back to school and even the Halloween stuff- ALREADY!!!

7. I should have shopped for myself, not the family. I was trying to run away, after all. I bought a few things and went home.

8. I wondered the whole time if anyone would question me the moment I got in the back door or the next morning.

Nope.

Everyone was asleep and never knew I was even missing.

Nothing was ever said.

9. No one even thought to ask, "Where did this new stuff you bought for me come from?"

Nothing. No comment.

I ended up returning most of what I bought. Wrong size, didn't like, etc, etc.

10. Morale of the story:

•  make sure everyone KNOWS you're running away(but only if you WANT them to know or care)
•  shop for yourself
•  maybe the floor waxer man has a few good stories to share and could become a new friend

meany mom, silly dreamer mom...

I am all for kids being kids on Summer vacation. Swinging up to the clouds, reading under a shade tree, spitting watermelon seeds, covering the driveway with chalk art...
But when it means I get stuck doing all the chores I get a little cranky. Call me crazy. There needs to be a balance between free time and slave time, er, I mean chore time.
Let me tell you about my mommy fit or as I like to call it, tough love tactic.

It usually goes like this....

"Can you kids pick up after yourselves? I spent hours picking up your stuff and putting it away and never had time to even think about starting any of the 100 things I had/wanted to do!"

Then it turns into...

"Pick this stuff up or I am throwing it out the front door."


I'll bet you think I am all threat and no action, right?


Once when N. was watching DVD after DVD, video after video but never put any of them away where they belong and they sat for a few days in random places (like just about every flat surface and the floor too) all over the room, he found out that I back up my promise.

Out the front door they all went in a pile. And it was going to rain!

He went out on the front porch and gathered them all up and put them where they belonged.

Wouldn't it have been much simpler to cut out the stage of bringing them back into the house and just put them away in the first place when they were already in the house BEFORE mom has griped about it??????? Hhhmmm????

I think my voice is completely tuned out to their ears.


I had been asking and then telling and then ordering the kids to take their turns at washing dishes. I do the dishes about 70% of the time but with 10 hands in the family capable of washing it seems fair to have all 10 hands help. Are you with me on this one?
So this is how it went...

If you do not wash these dishes before you go to bed I will take them and throw them out and empty the cupboards too. Guess what? They didn't wash. So out on the back porch went all the dirty dishes in a laundry basket and I emptied the clean ones out of the cupboards--cups, plates and bowls and silverware drawer too. EMPTY. I loaded them in laundry baskets and hid them.

Next morning the dishes that were dirty got washed. Not by me!


Now I am doing phase 2 of the dishes plan=each person will have 1 cup, 1 plate, 1 bowl, fork, knife and spoon. Each person responsible for their own, clean or dirty!
Maybe after a probation period the dishes can all come out of hiding and return to the cupboards.


My hope is a total boot camp type rewiring of their habits and I will have some willing dish washers. What do you think my chances are? Stop laughing. Please!


Don't get the wrong impression. I have good kids who usually help...
Maybe it is the lure of the blue sky and fluffy clouds or the breeze under the big tree or that water melon tastes best for only a few short weeks or the calling to be another artist like Bert from Mary Poppins.
I'm just saying...
The Dixie Cup dispenser is looking even more attractive.

Time

I am a wife, a mother, an advocate, a helper, a speaker, a friend, a volunteer, a caregiver, and other titles which do not come with a full benefit package, and all mean I spend a lot of my days and time doing for others.

I will continue to do all those things. It is what I am made of.

Lately however, I find I am feeling somewhat resentful of time slipping away and the feeling that I am not able to do the things I want to do and the things I need to do for me. Sometimes I even want to have a block of time to do nothing. I never get that.

I have tried going on strike but I am a cog in a lot of wheels- some that come to a complete halt in my absence.

I do not mean this is a vain way only that there are people in need who need me. I find my brain does not shut off and as a result I do not rest even if I do sleep.

Do you ever feel starved for time to yourself? Some days I am not able to breathe a sigh of being "done" until 19 hours have passed by.


I know, I know...I just blogged about a vacation not long ago. But you mothers will agree that sometimes a vacation can be tougher than staying home and you need a vacation from vacation. I always say that I wish I could just get in a car with that "and away we go" attitude. There is so much little detail stuff, endless in fact, that needs to go into packing 5 people into a small car to travel almost 30 hours and be away for a week. Then there is the getting caught back up when you return. Whoa! That is even worse. I am still trying to get caught up.
I think I am just TIRED!!

take time to color

I have a million things to do before tomorrow night's dinner.

I am ready for as few as 8 and as many as 13. No one seems to be able to pin down an RSVP to me this year. That's ok. I will still cook the same amount of food- a lot- because that's the only way I know to cook. I love to cook. Hate to bake. Know what? That's alright too. There are always plenty of bakers among our gang of friends and neighbors. Everyone has their own interests and talents to share.

The million things on the to-do list I have yet to do includes striving to create the magic of the Christmases I remember fondly from my youth. Oh yeah!...and cleaning the house. My favorite saying is "Trying to keep a house clean while the kids are still living at home is like trying to staple Jell-O to a tree!" I wholeheartedly agree. As I often say...my house is clean but rarely tidy. This week it looks like a winter tornado has gone through, what with the boots dripping melting snow and ice in big puddles, the wet mittens hats and scarves strewn along the hearth drying before the fire (FYI N., for the umpteenth time, gloves do not dry when you pull them off inside out with the fingers all bunched up!! Ugh!), coats that no one seems to know how to hang up...and do not even get me started on the toys everywhere. Wanna know a secret? I am actually giving N. a box of toys he hasn't seen for months since I packed them away and put them in "Time OUT" for not picking them up. I have wrapped the box up in Christmas paper. He keeps asking what is in that big box. "Must be something really cool" , he keeps saying!

{ my art}

Then there is all the stuff that came out of A's room months ago so we could repaint and redo her bedroom. The goal was to have it done and back together before Thanksgiving. I told her I would help her if she helped me. Well, when you are a few breaths away from 13 and active in EVERYTHING at school you just do not have time for silly things like doing something you promised your Mother!! So, here it is, past Thanksgiving and a breath away from Christmas and the things are still sitting (all over) in the family room, and on the glassed porch...

Honestly I am tempted to just leave the mess and let the guests (family and friends) see how we really live every day and not just how the house looks when Mom shoves everything in her bedroom at the last minute and declares that room off limits to guests! I told the kids my idea today and they just looked blankly at me and their brain gears were thinking, "Mom wouldn't really do THAT!"- I know because I am good at reading their minds, it's one of those instinctive Mom skills you acquire when they are each born.

{N's art -which I think is much better than mine!}

So what does all this have to do with my title to this post?

Well, in the midst of all my mental preparing to stage the house and make it look right for impending guests, N. asked me if I would color with colored pencils with him. I can not resist the call of my colored pencils

no matter how untidy the house may be.

So what did I do? What could I do?

I colored!

{The inside of N's card. Don't you love his "font"?}

We scanned N's art and made it into a card for my Uncle. This was what he did inside the card. I am Uncle's weekly and year 'round personal shopper. N. tagged along this time since he was off school for winter break. So, added to everything else, which was tugging at my time and hovering deadline, was doing Uncle's regular household shopping. Driving in the holiday traffic on icy roads in single digit temperatures and waiting in check out lines so long you wonder if you've aged while standing still for so long.

Hey wait!, that reminds me. I still have my own shopping to finish for tomorrow night's dinner!

Well, the coloring was fun, anyway!!

We have to seize these opportunities to make magical Christmas memories when ever we can.

Back to reality

Well, I'm back... and the time sand is running through the hour glass so quickly as I find myself right back into the old routine of sick kids (2 of them!), groceries to buy, laundry to do, homework to keep check of, bills to pay, phone calls to return, a senior citizen who demands to monopolize my time (since the apparent perception is I have nothing else in my life that needs my time), and..................on and on and on.

The best thing is, I can't wait to tell you all about my trip and all about what's new with me.

Meanwhile, my vacation pictures are being held hostage inside my dead battery camera. I am hoping to buy a new battery today while I am out dragging one of the sick kids around with me to do shopping for said senior citizen and maybe sneak in a teensie bit of my own shopping at the same time.

This morning within the first 24 hours of being home everything had settled back into seeming like I had never even left! *sigh*

I have my memories of my time away to escape to in my mind when the stress builds again.

Let me tell you, I am beginning that hike up the stress mountain already!

Hopefully I will be back today to show and tell about my California adventures!! I met someone very fun!!!!!!!!!