fairy houses (a re-post of an old story)

Being a stay at home mom used to involve more staying at home time when the kids were all younger. Now it is about trying to find the time to stay at home in between all the running here and there.
I admit I reminisce much too frequently over the good ol' days when we would spend a whole day out in the front yard under the tall, tall pines and "play fairy houses", as my girls always called it. They used the whole phrase as a verb instead of verb and nouns. Funny how a lot of their toddler language has stuck in our daily speech...to the point of me sometimes reminding them to not use our many, many little endearing phrases in front of the general public, lest we all be seen as some uneducated lot.

Click here for an old post about our wonderfully fun fairy houses, some of which are still standing today!!
We used to spend entire summer days out in the yard. Most days no place else we wanted to be and no place we had to be. Playing with no sense of the clocks of the world and dragging a blanket out in the soft grass under the cool cover of the shade trees. Piles of picture story books at our sides with many decisions to make over which one to read first or last.

Of course I remember that some days (all too many as I look back) the dynamic and mood of the day was lead along by E and her state of mind. Some days you could not win with her. The sky was green and the grass was blue and there was nothing anyone could do to change it.

We went to A2 as a spur of the moment road trip the other day and went to some of our favorite places and some news places too.

I was suddenly consciously struck by how many places we return to that remind me (no matter where we go in and around our town or out of town) of the specific melt down she was having that day. Believe me there are many! Yet, I am reminded that I never felt anger or loss of patience over the situation, but the pure agonizing heartbreak I felt for this smart, multi talented little child, little girl, young adult. My E.

I had no control over making the world right for her --or her siblings as their worlds were altered as a symptom of her symptoms.

Maybe today I will toss a blanket under the canopy of cooling leafed branches overhead and pile some picture books at my side and stack a few twigs to shelter a fairy or two and pretend that the clocks of the world do not exist--even if it is for a few ironic moments--and hope that the grass will be green and the sky blue for my E. today.

recycle

If you are not into recycling you think the items in these photos are just junk. If you do recycle you will say, "Hey!, possibilities can be endless with imagination!"

This photo is at a fun store that has all types of things that can be used again... from the obvious such as fabric pieces and ribbons and beads and photo mat board and frames and wallpaper sample books and wood scraps...to the not so obvious kinds of things that usually get directly sent to the trash- but if you use some imagination they can become art ingredients.

My son has been in a recycling club for 2 years at school. His main job each week is to empty the big bins of paper from his assigned classrooms into the outside paper recycle hopper to be made into more new paper. They also have art days too, where they make things from recycled items. There are both girls and boys in the club so they have made many types of arts creations with unexpected items. Everything from making their own homemade paper to creating beads from junk mail to thinking up new practical creative ways to use things as is beyond their original intended purpose.

My oldest daughter is involved in making art at an art gallery. Some of their sculpture-like art pieces are created with recycled items. The gallery, which is open to the public and sells art made only by young adults with disabilities, is in a beautiful historical building.  I am crazy for old buildings with worn down not so level wooden floors and high tin ceilings and exposed brick walls and vintage window glass that is wavy and has tiny bubbles in it. During our first tour, I walked around with a constant smile on my face. The attributes of the old building structure, wonderful set up of the gallery displays and of course the art itself was inriguing. My daughter also could not stop smiling.The studio sells items, both 2 dimensional and 3 dimensional (priced from just a few dollars all the way up to $800) to business owners for their offices, private owners for their homes, and it is a perfect place to shop for gift giving. I knew this was the place for my daughter to blossom, and so took the long, red-tape paperwork steps to have her apply to be one of their artists, since they had an opening for a new artist to be added. (I'm certain if you have a special needs child/young adult then you know what this all means at every step of their life! Paperwork, waiting, denial, approval, more paperwork...) My daughter has had many of her drawings, paintings, and photography matted and framed to be offered for sale in the gallery. I see the pride she has, and I am proud of her every day.

All of my children are artists. I am an artist. We each have our own interests and specialties.
Art is everywhere you go every day. Clothing, signs, menus, book jackets, movie posters, home furnishings, landscaping, architecture, and on and on in so many directions. So many forms of art. Even nature is art.

Back to the story attached to this photo-- The idea of the creative "trash curtain" is an interesting concept, and I would do it with some variations. For example, I think it would be fun to customize it with a monochromatic color approach and do all bottle lids (caps), or all the same shapes (of whatever) on a string. Hang several as outdoor art to catch the wind near at patio or backyard playhouse. It is colorful and waterproof and I even thought it could include some jingly things to be kind of a wind chime when blown in the breezes.

buffing and polishing

Just a quick note to say I am busy trying to buff and polish the house...or at least pick up all the stray Legos, and crayons and markers, plastic army guys and Spiderman and Batman, and figure out what to do with all the school papers that come home (enough to surly wipe out entire rain forests)...in preparation for some first time guests who will be paying a visit this week for meetings. These meetings are more stuff to help prepare my E. for all things "special needs adult child" after her graduation from 13th grade this summer. We are on the countdown for her big graduation and for trying to get all the ducks in a row, as they say, to provide the best future for her. Wonder if anyone would want to come help me? You can wear your string of pearls and apron if it helps you work faster/better. I am hoping it will help me!! Wish me well.

promises to keep for tomorrow

Yesterday was a day when my serious face had to keep telling my smiling face to emerge. A very long meeting about all things "special needs adult child" with 11 people around the table and 2-3 others popping in at different times. The kind of meeting that takes a day or maybe even two for any one's brain to digest. Mental films of what everyone offered to the mix replaying through my memory and questions now thought of after the fact. That's the way with these things, I suppose.
The possible job interview process for E. moved along with another phone call yesterday and the promise of another phone call today. Seems they are trying to coordinate at their end.

We had lots more beautiful snow and the weatherman says 2-3 more inches before Saturday. I see, in our weekend ahead, some fun sledding on the big hill.

Picked up my 2 brothers at the airport. They had just spent a week at dad's. My brother said, "What a difference a 5 hour flight makes.", as we drove through the white-out conditions and the snow blew and swirled across the highway before us.

Finished the day with a little escape out to a restaurant with a good friend for a delicious sandwich (Which I ate without the bun. Too much bun! The inside stuff is the good stuff anyway!) and cup of chili. Amazed at how much snow had covered the car in only the time we ate. As everyone else around us grumbled about the cold and snow, I ventured out into it with a warm smile. I love the snow.

So, 5 days crossed off the calendar for this busy week and 2 more to go. Today, phone calls and paperwork to do along with buckets of other things to get done. One thing to figure out is what to do with the bathroom door. The original 56 year old knob has been remachined several times and we were told has lost its "future fix potential". No easy trip to the hardware section as the placement on the door is apparently unique, therefore modern knobs will not function properly and blah blah blah...so, maybe a new door? The duck tape we put on this morning doesn't look good, that's for sure. The joys of home ownership, right? I ask you, where are the guys from that public television home improvement show that fix everything start to finish, neat and tidy, inside of 30 minutes?

Tomorrow, maybe some sledding...oh, and that Greek food I promised myself.

smoothing my ruffled feathers...

...so as to not be like this little birdie in my colored pencil and ink art. Once again, my day was filled with back to back action. Mid day, my meeting with my mentor of all things "special needs adult child" was changed from a meeting to a phone call instead. She succeeded in calming my frazzled worried mom soul and soothed my mind of the many scattered thoughts of the future unknowns. Again. She saves me more than she could ever know. She "gets it".
Later I was thrilled to have a phone message for a job interview opportunity for my daughter. The timing was like serendipity. Please pray or cross your fingers, or both. So hard in this economy for a young adult to get work when there are family heads looking for jobs below their qualifications if only to remain the proud bread-winner in some capacity. It is much more so a difficult task to land a job as a special needs young adult.

So, I cross off the 4th day of the week. 3 more to go. Smiling on the outside and the inside today. I keep reminding myself: Worrying about tomorrow only takes today's peace.

hanging in there

I'm still hanging in there...kinda like the spider in my watercolor and ink art shown here. My special mentor in all things "special needs adult child" is like the lady bug, all balanced and poised. The door is like the unknown that lies beyond today. I am hopeful the door will open to wonderful opportunities.

Yesterday went well with meetings and paperwork and such. 3 days crossed off the calendar for this busy week. I am still smiling, that's a good thing. Today should be ok. Tomorrow...well let's just say tomorrow will take care of itself and I will be glad to have come out the other side!

I might just have a treat this weekend to celebrate wading through it all. My treat, you ask? Nope- not an alcoholic beverage , I am not a drinker. Nope- not ice cream or candy. My treat is Greek food. Yup! I really like Greek food. It is my comfort food. 

a string of pearls might help the process along

A crazy, ugly, busy week ahead. Sunday and Monday crossed off--5 more days to go and then I will celebrate-- living through this hard week anyway! All the endless paperwork, red tape, hoop jumping and denial/rejection letters that are part of the required mess to prepare a special needs adult child for life past the 13th grade. June is getting closer on my calendar pages. Have to get my ducks in a row. In the meantime I will wear a smile and take it one day at a time. Maybe if I don some pearls it will all work out somehow. Everything is better when wearing pearls. At least it always seemed to work for those old time TV moms. Couldn't hurt.

clock as an enemy

Lately the clock has been my enemy. It ticks much too quickly each day. I need more tick tocks in an hour and in a day to do everything. Most people say that means things are simply over scheduled.

Simplify.

I like that word.

I have yet to master it.

People say to wait until you have grown kids. Then you have too much time and you wonder what you will do with all your time. Problem is, by the time my kids are all grown I will be too old to care. I thought having kids later instead of sooner was smart. It was smart for when I was younger. When I am older, not so much!

So here are some activities and thoughts that have been occupying my tick tocks of life.

1. We all survived a 12 week stretch of high school football season, which at our house means marching band season for my 14 year old daughter. Before that, we all lived to tell about 4 weeks of marching band camp. I have to say it went by super quick overall, and I actually had lots of fun. Wish I could have been at 2 places at once so I could have gotten all the other things done while also sitting in the bleachers being very proud and giving support. I somehow found the tick tock time to sew a fleece backed school colors patchwork quilt to use at the games. It will be an investment in the 3 more years of bleacher sitting that are in my future. I'll hint of frustration and let you stew about the stories of camera batteries that went dead at just the worst times or when the battery was charged all day long----- but left at home!! Maybe I can master the battery thing now that we are on to Symphonic Band for the rest of the year.

2. My oldest daughter E. (18) who has OCD and Asperger's at the high functioning end of the Autism spectrum is now a paid employee at 2 (yep, two!) places. It all happened in a short 3 week time period, after months and months of filling out piles of applications. I was so worried that she would not find a niche in the working world of people who actually get a paycheck (she has infinite volunteer hours under her belt). Let me be more specific--I knew she could but I was worried the world would not think so. Besides bursting with a universe size feeling of pride, I also now have added responsibility. *tick tock* Essentially it is like I am the one with 2 paying jobs (on top of my own paying job which can flex anywhere from 25-50 hours a week, and on call 24/7 assisting an elderly relative with Parkinson's and dementia). I am the transportation for my daughter. There's that need for cloning myself, again. Oh, and my wonderful reliable almost 15 year old car is still chugging along and has stopped counting how many trillions of times it has gone in and out of the driveway!

3. I am trying to pack away the Halloween decor and look forward to dragging out the Thanksgiving decor and on to Christmas. Here is how it goes at my house. The kids want it out. They dig and randomly succeed in making a mess of the decor by pulling favorites from the storage tubs. The rest just sits until mom takes over to do the rest. Thus, this is the year I am paring down and saving ONLY the favorites to be packed away for future seasons. The rest just takes up space -- and time! Here's a secret revealed=We have not had a Christmas tree in the house for about 4 years now. I was just on strike and didn't want to repeat the many years before when the kids wanted it ALL dragged out. They dug through stuff making a jumble of red, green and metallic but nothing really got accomplished as far as decorating the tree...and don't even get me started on the way everyone disappears when it comes time to take it all down and pack it away!! Soooo...I just didn't do a tree. It was guilt ridden tick tock time for a while but liberating too. The other day I announced casually that I want to have a Christmas tree. My daughter said, "Who are you and where is MY mother?" Stay tuned for the tick tock result of that promise on my part. Maybe my clone can do it for me. Oh, that's right, I don't have one. I need to sign up for a text alert to know when that is available....only I don't text. *Geeez*

4. I am threatening to pack away all the glass dishes, plates, bowls and cups and buy the cheapest paper products I can get my hands on. Maybe we'll get at least a month's worth supply of tick tock time saving on washing dishes. Sorry I won't be very "green" about saving trees and all, but it could be looked at it like this= I would be saving my septic tank/leach field from all the dish soap that is usually going into it in the "gray water" and I could put the used paper products on my compost pile to rot and be tilled into feeding my Victory Garden next summer. That's green. Now if I could just get my clone to do the weeding while I spend my tick tock time transporting a daughter who may, by then, be earning more than me because I am not at my job because I am using my tick tock time taking her or picking her up from her jobs in a, by then, full 15 years old car.

But...I may end up with even more pride in my pay employed daughter, some great photo memories of my musical daughter, less holiday storage tubs overall, free of dishes to be washed, a healthy organically grown garden, and maybe some extra tick tock minutes added to this old mother's days.

I hope my clone has a nice personality.

cross your fingers

We will know by the end of the week if E., my special needs daughter, has been hired for a real life paying job at a local fun spot.

She went yesterday to her first ever interview . Crossing fingers! 

In the meantime she will continue to go to school for her 5th year of high school, while spending time on her volunteer work at the rescue horse barn where she has helped for 6 years, and also volunteer 5 days a week at the memory care unit of an Alzheimer's living facility where she has helped for 1 year.

She is a smart girl who has challenges she has faced bravely. I am proud of her....always.

Fingers crossed.

UPDATE: The interview went well, but was very short. She did not get the job, but I am still very proud of her. It is all a great learning experience anyway!

periwinkle prom

My oldest child, E., participated in a milestone event in a young lady's life. Senior prom. Although, this does not mean the end of her high school years. She will be a senior again next year. She needs a couple more credits, and in addition, she will have more preparation for life as an adult with special needs.
It is a good plan sometimes to not have to have a race out into the big challenges of the adult world.

E. had a very fun time dressed in her periwinkle colored dress. Excitement and smiles.

I must confess, I had silly preconceived ideas of what this event would feel like with a first born daughter. I thought it would be about deciding about hair, make-up and all the rest, like shopping for some perfect overpriced costume jewelry. 

She didn't want to wear make-up and asked if I could simply pull her hair back into a barrette. That's perfect.

She has a glow without make-up that was further enhanced by her excitement that shined through.

She chose to wear a special pretty string of faux pearls given to her as a Christmas gift many years ago, she made her own earrings since she has a fabulous jewelry making talent, and the barrette was a dollar store special we had in a drawer that matched the pearl necklace just right.

She looked beautiful.

Now about her dress.  She was more than happy to share her story of finding it for $1.50 at a gently used clothing sale. It cost about $15 to have it dry cleaned. One mom was accurate to declare that even with the dry cleaning bill it was a score of a find. I agree!! It was a hit with the other moms of the other girls in the friend group she went with who talked among themselves of the big lumps of money spent for a dress to likely hang in a closet forgotten after one night. One other mom asked if it was her size (which it was) and then told E. if she wanted to sell it to her she would be willing to pay much more than $16.50!! We all laughed!! I don't think E. is giving it up. But if offered big bucks she may possibly maybe change her mind. Maybe not.

Her little purse was a thrifty garage sale find.
E. did ask for months and months beforehand if she could get acrylic nails for the prom. Fake fingernails being on the list of a new experience. I have never been a fan of fake fingernails.... E. has healthy beautiful nails naturally and I thought a new bottle of nail polish would do the trick nicely. I tried to get out of it. I'm never one to miss sneaking a lesson into the school of everyday life, so I decided that it could be turned into a learning experience. I had E. look up in the phone book different places to have it done and encouraged her do the calling to compare prices for the service. I took her to the nail salon with the understanding that the cost would be considered part of her upcoming 18th birthday presents too. I have never had fake nails, so it was a learning experience for me to watch it done for her nails. She chose the perfect periwinkle color of polish...and we did not even have the dress with us!!

Incidentally, I told her that fake fingernails would not get her out of doing her chores. Nice try though!

We had to get a photo with little brother N. We took a photo of the two of them on her first communion day and now we look back and laugh at how little he was. It would seem hard to remember without the photo.
Photos are treasure.

His shirt says "A ninja swiped my homework". Even though he was not spiffed up in a neck tie like he is for the chess tournaments and therefore a more suitable match for his formal dressed big sis, we still needed a picture!

All the moms gathered with their kids at one house to act as paparazzi. It's a necessity you know!

E. had a casual date for her first homecoming dance earlier this year. No date this time, but she didn't mind. She went with a big fun group. Only 2 of the 5 girls in the group had dates. Dinner and dancing was at a big elegant hotel on the river front in a nearby city.

E. had great fun and great memories were made.

That's the best part of this whole milestone event.

That makes future memories!!

simple pleasures are best for makin' memories

It is the simple things and free things that mean the most to me and those that make the best lasting memories.

Like having your dad kiss and hug you upon arrival and then immediately wash the bugs off the windshield of your trusty 14 year old "mom-mobile" and then wash the inside of the windshield too!! The kids had washed it for me before we left for the trip. Thanks Dad, no streaks!! Oh and by the way, can you picture all 5 of us traveling for about 28 hours in this small vehicle??

Simple things...
Like chasing and catching the little lizards that are everywhere like toads are in northern-most Ohio.

Simple things....
Like E. and N. fishing in front of Dad's for 5 days, every chance they could.

Simple things.....
Like quietly thinking while the big orange ball of a sun sinks below the horizon after seeing a wonderful sunset on our last night for this trip in Florida.

We were safe and healthy and that is most important, isn't it?

teenage invasion

I am one of those moms that loves to have the kids (teenagers) gather at my house. That's what happened again over the weekend. Oh the roller coaster ride that is daily mom-to-teens life!

So this was the scene when the old gang was all back together again. Forget what you have heard about baby proofing a room, that's easy. The room that is teenager proofed is much more thought-filled on the part of a mom. You learn these things after the pop is spilled a few times. I wouldn't have it any other way though as I love the noise and laughter that comes with this group. First up was playing Rock Band. Loud. Is there any other way? It is fun to see them sing and play the songs from my teen age years which this Rock Band thing has made cool again! If not for that the teens would say, "Oh that old song. YUK!" But instead "my music" is on their good music list.


Amazingly A. even managed to get some reading time in, and Cali the cat and Jewel the bird looked on as the noise continued. Notice the covers on the furniture which were still trying to come off and have potential pop spill area revealed.

Throughout the night they ate and ate and ate. This goes along with teens and noise. I think teens have a missing switch which tells a brain and stomach "you are full". They went through 3 bags of pizza rolls, most of a 12 pack of pop, chips and salsa, snack mix, chips and a box of cream puffs. So good that the kids always show up with food to share. They have smart moms!! Actually they brought more food than that, and they would have easily eaten it all if it had just been put in front of them! It will be saved for some party to come soon at whichever house they gather. There are plenty of gatherings when food makes things more fun.

N. came home from a day at Scout camp and was thrilled the whole gang was there and stuff was in full swing.  N. loves to hang out with the teens --and what 9 year old little brother wouldn't? Luckily the teens happily allow him to hang out with them. No problem.

After Rock Band time was done it was time to bring out the karaoke machine and everyone got super silly!! And did I mention the noise level? Loud!

Friends hamming it up with the microphone.

Once again, a modern invention makes the old songs from my time seem cool!

It cracks me up when the teens think a song is new when it is used in a current movie or is done by a new artist as a remake. I always have to be a lame parent and say, "Hey that is actually from the 1970s and I was in (fill in the blank) grade in school during those years, and my friends were...Blah blah blah..."

Like I said- lame parent.

The singing continued until about 10:00 and then they settled in for some movie time.

And more food.

The gang all left about midnight and I sent the leftover and unopened food and pop back home with them, along with their imported entertainment devices (karaoke and Rock Band). I love that they have so much fun, and how lucky am I that all I have to provide is the home (with covered furniture) and the electricity (for all the loudness)!!

I hope they come back again next weekend. 

days at the lake

E. and N. often ask to go to the lake nearby. They both like to fish...a LOT!
We've gone several times this summer. These photos are from more than one trip.

They go out to dig worms in our back yard compost pile. There are usually plenty of wiggly worms to be had in the rich soil. N. has finally decided it is ok to bait his own hook.

E. is very serious about her tackle box she got about a year or so ago, and she loves to organize it over and over and experiment with different lures and bobbers and weights.

They mostly catch small fish and occasionally a larger one or two. Most are unhooked and gently returned to the lake. Last Summer E. caught one that was 26 inches and had an 8 inch Perch in it's stomach. We know this because she brought that one home to be served for dinner! It was yummy. After the fact, we found out that she could have won a state award for teens with that type fish but we didn't take a picture until it was being cut up. (Oops!) I would share that photo with you but it isn't very appealing (honest!).
I usually bring a book and sit in the shade and relax while they fish. I burn easily and have to avoid a lot of direct sun. There are picnic tables all around so it is not hard to find at least one of them that is shaded. Sometimes I move from table to table chasing the shade.

Out in the water there are people in paddle boats, kayaks and rowboats. There is a swimming area away from the fishing areas. People are walking and jogging and moms are pushing strollers. It is soothing to listen to the birds in the high tree branches and the breeze blowing through the leaves.

Just watch out for the droppings as you walk across the grass!!

One day left

E. only has one more day (one more exam- American History)to go for her junior year of high school to be history. Where does the time go? Today I picked her up in the late morning from school after she finished her Math and Environmental Sciences exams. We decided to do a girls' day while her two siblings were still in school for the full day.

We ended up going to a tiny little place with wonderful food and baked goods tucked inside a historical building which used to be next to the downtown hardware about 100 years ago. I love the old exposed imperfect brick walls and the painted tables. I love to paint things like they paint things, lots of bold colors and graphics!!
That's E., getting ready to taste her scrumptious cinnamon cake. That's a mango smoothie you see. The verdict.....Deeeelicious!!

Oh my golly was this ever yummy, a cobb chicken salad sandwich wrap and chicken soup!!

Look at that peanut butter cookie! It was huge! We split it.

This was the view out the front window where E. chose for us to sit. There was a custom designed painted park bench out front-- toile fabric on the back of the bench peeking through the window at us! Below is a closer look at one end of the park bench. I LOVE it. I like putting finials on things too! And the painting is right up my alley!

There were puddles as it had rained all night and early morning but cleared up by the time we were out snooping around finding places to go.

We ended up going to a newly opened thrifty store too while driving around. E. found some brand new boots with the original tags still on them to wear at the horse rescue where she volunteers. Her old barn boots had become too small. Silly growing kids!! We were glad to find those as it was the last thing we expected to find. The boots were a good reasonable price, but I was pretty shocked when I saw some of the "priced too darn high" prices of some of the other things. I struck up a conversation with another customer and we laughed about the fact that you could get a lot of these things brand new at Target on sale for the same price they were asking!! I was disgusted that they were trying to sell glass and ceramic ware with huge obvious chips and cracks and just plain old broken for $5.99 and as high as $7.99. What the heck were they thinking????

A fun day together and good memories made.

Mother

The reason I celebrate Mother's Day...

This grouping is my mom holding my first born, E. (now 16 years old-where do the years get to?). The first photo in the top left is in the hospital the first time she held her!

I was privileged to honor my mom each year on Mother's Day until I was in my early 30's....I am so glad she was able to see me celebrate Mother's Day as a mom myself for 3 years before she died in 1995.

Time slips by much too quickly. She was so very sick for so many years though she fought hard every step of the way. She did not live to see my second baby. She would have loved my 3 children, just as she loved each and every one of her grand and great grand kids.

She was wearing her wig in these pictures- she had some hair growing back after being bald(for the second time. ..there would also be a third time) but preferred to wear the wig to leave the house (or for photos). From the time E. began to talk in sentences she was always very precocious and I will never forget the day she first said, "Bye-bye car?" (which translates to ARE WE GOING BYE BYE?)and pointed as her Grammy was putting on the wig. Even when really sick, my Mom always put on her lipstick and perfume whenever she went out- even a quick trip to the grocery store.

When my mom was bedridden in her last days and I was 5 months pregnant with my A., we were fortunate to have wonderful help at our house from Hospice because I was told to be extra cautious since my previous pregnancy was a miscarriage. They would help me to bathe Mom. I knew how much she loved her lipstick and perfume so we made sure to spritz some perfume on her after washing her. My mom's cancer was then spread to her brain and she was acting and saying things not quite on spot. She told me one day in a whisper at her bedside, "Watch that woman, I'm sure she is stealing my perfume. Can't you smell it?" She did not realize she was smelling it on herself! We skipped the lipstick at that point.

All summer long, I had a different bouquet of fresh flowers from the garden on her dresser each day for her to enjoy. I told her my heart was telling me that rather than me fussing over a grave site in the future, we should see and smell beautiful flowers -right now, while we are still together. She understood. In her more lucid moments we talked frankly about her dying and death.

Even now, on Mother's Day and on her birthday I work in the flowers gardens at home instead of fussing over a grave site. They are her flower gardens since I live in the inherited house in which I grew up. I feel closest to her among the perennial flowers that she planted. I feel great joy tending the garden for future generations and future Mother's Days and allowing happy memories of Mom to flood my mind among the bright colors and fragrances...sweet as her perfume!

Today I am able to celebrate Mother's Day with my children because my mother chose to be a mother.

Think about it.

the gardens and Momma

Sunday I spent hours working in the garden. I trimmed back the dead perennials and cleaned the many pine needles that fall from the tall, tall white pines above my house. One of the things I have been wanting to get to all summer is to dig up the edging bricks and reset them. The dirt and plants seem to take over and they disappear over time. Now the garden looks all clean and tidy and ready for some fresh beautiful colored fall mums to be tucked in the empty spots. A kind of new beginning.



Each spring I plant these two rusted red wagons, one smaller size stacked inside a bigger one, with Impatiens. Impatiens always look nice and full at this time of year.

I enjoy working in the garden whenever the mosquitoes will leave me alone long enough to accomplish something. The reason I worked in the garden Sunday is that I always work in the garden on August 31st. Or at least for the last 13 years.

13 years ago, when she was dying and couldn't go to the garden, I promised my mom that I would bring the garden to her to enjoy. I did- by bringing in fresh flowers from the garden each day. I took care of her in our home even after she was bedridden and I was 5 months pregnant and had a 3 yr old (E.) to care for too.


We had many frank discussions about death and what I would do without her. How would I go on without her? I told her that I would not mourn by hanging out at her grave. ( Ironically, part of E's mourning process was to have me drive her to the grave 3 or 4 times every week for about 2 years!! The child mourning "experts" told me to do it if that was what she asked for, since Grammy had been a daily part of E's life for her first 3 years; the years that some say are the most developmentally important. She would clean and fuss around the grave marker like a 90 year old widow.)


I told my mom I would feel her with me every day and everywhere...especially in her gardens. (I inherited her house) I promised to "be with her" every August 31st by working in the dirt of a garden. There I can think and solve things weighing heavy on my mind. And find joy in nature and God and the hope of things renewing even after death.



Pictured above are my mom and dad. Pictured below are my aunt and my mom. These were taken in 1950 at my dad's brother's wedding. My mom was 23. I love these images of her. Check out her hat as she stands at the punch bowl!!


I most often addressed my mom as, "Momma".
Pretty weird but... the only one of my three that calls me "Momma", is my E. Guess she listened to me.
For some more weirdness:
I dreamed a dream filled with strange events that had symbolism that made perfect sense just before waking on Friday. My mom was part of it. I got up and immediately started writing it. N. watched me as the cursive written dream story came off my hand and on to the paper as fast as I could scribble. 
I had the girls read it. 
A's response was quick and dry and typical of A.'s wit and wisdom:
"Ok Mom, you keep writing that Mothman stuff." *pause* 
Also weird is what happened last year (read about it here)
The best and very weirdest thing was (this!!)

Please allow some one else to have and feed these cute bunnies...

I told E. it is time for her to earn some money and sell all but one of her bunny babies. The babies are growing and growing and eating and eating! This is the first litter that Clover has had that are all identical. It's really quite frustrating; like a bunny optical illusion.


No, don't worry- they do not live in a green laundry basket. We put them in it to take photos.
They all are so sweet though and well tempered. We have them trained to lie on their backs from the time they are about a few days old so they will be more relaxed being handled by just about anyone when being held the normal way.

They live in a very nice large hutch made of wood recycled from our tree house that we tore down, recycled chicken wire and wire mesh screen.

So E. is hoping that now that the babies are 8 weeks old she will be able to guess which one is a male (sometimes it's not so easy to tell, we have been fooled before) so she can have another future Daddy bunny. We have one male and three females among the adult rabbits.

Rabbits are actually cheaper to keep as pets than many other animals. You don't have to take them to the groomer, like a dog and you don't have to buy them shoes, like a horse. Although, E. would love to some day have her own horse. When she was little she thought she could just move our fence farther back into the woods and keep a horse in the storage barn and that was as simple as it was to get and keep a horse. That's why she now keeps bunnies.